Inevitable

**Disclaimer*** This post is very wordy, personal and probably to much information for some people.  But I'm writing it anyway. So read if you dare :) Also, there are no pictures (i know, a first for me!)

This morning, around 6, I heard the usual cry coming from Jake's room, and as usual, a few minutes later, Wesley brought my not-so-little bundle of joy into my bed so I could feed him a little breakfast.  And for the first time, I noticed that I had only the tiniest bit of milk to nurse him with.  And this got me to thinking.  Actually, it got me kind of sad.  

Let me give you a little background info.  Jake and I have had a wonderful experience with nursing over the past 14 months.  After his first 3 weeks of life, Jake refused bottles in every form, so I nursed exclusively until he was about 5 months old.  At that point, I began a long and frustrating road of new foods.  Until Jake was about 10 months old, he was extremely picky and I struggled to get him to eat regular foods.  The doctor was actually a bit concerned at that point, because for a baby who had pretty much lived in the 70th percentile for weight, dropping to the 8th was a big jump.  Apparently, breast milk isn't the most fattening diet for an active toddler :).  But we kept at it, and by the time he was a year old, I had Jake doing about 50% nursing.  

I consider myself very lucky for several reasons.  I didn't have any major issues with nursing, and neither did Jake.  I know a lot of people who have all sorts of problems, especially at the beginning, and some are just never successful in this endeavor.  And then there are just people who prefer not to do it.  So I'm grateful that I was both able, and excited for the experience.  It's always just been something we do well together.  However, over the last couple months, something changed.  Jake began pulling on my shirt constantly and whining for milk.  You wouldn't believe how many times his antics caused me to flash the unsuspecting public.  But I worked on it, and by the time he was 13 months, we were down to 3 feeds a day.  

Then, when I went home to Virginia, two things happened.  First of all, Jake kept seeing his 2 month old cousin nursing, and nearly every time Sawyer got to eat, Jake would pull on my shirt and fuss until he got his way.  For those who don't know.. 2 month old babies tend to eat about every 3 hours.. needless to say, it got a little frustrating, and embarrassing.  And the other thing that happened was more like an epiphany for me.  Watching my sister feed her tiny little runt made me notice just how enormous Jake was.  

Ok, so this was my situation 2.5 weeks ago.  I felt like it was finally time to wean. And really, they say the best thing for babies is to let them wean themselves.  But I know my son, and thats just not something he will do for himself, unless I want to nurse him 'til kindergarten. :)  So I set out to do a gradual weaning process, figuring it would take until the end of the summer.  I dropped one feed at a time, and although he was very frustrated at first, within 2 weeks I had him down to one feed a day.  

Ok, so back to my story about this morning.  I've been doing my one feed in the wee hours of the morning.  We've had this routine going where Jake gets up around 6, Wes brings him to me, and we have a good cuddle and feed for about 30 minutes.  Then I put him back to bed for a couple hours.  It's worked well for us, and I think it's safe to say that it's been the hardest feeding to give up.  So here's the thing: If you don't nurse at least 3 times a day, your milk supply goes down.  And with only one time a day, it's dwindled to almost nothing.  

And basically, I'm just sad.  I mean, I made the decision to stop nursing, but I kind of thought it would take a little longer and that I would have more time to get used to it.  I love the closeness it brings.  Jake isn't very cuddly and so it was my special time with him when he would hold still and just be with me.  So, yes, I'm happy in a lot of ways to be moving on, but I do have some mixed feelings.  And I wanted to write them down.  Thanks for reading, I feel a lot better just being able to get it on paper.  I never thought I would love nursing as much as I did, but there ya go.